


A Season at the Watchtower

by MaxRev, thisnewjoe



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect - Various Authors, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Adorkable, Alternate Universe - Firewatch Fusion, Bears, Inspired by Firewatch (Video Game), M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secret arts and crafts, Veterans, Wilderness, Wilderness Survival, wyoming - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 20:39:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17372909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaxRev/pseuds/MaxRev, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisnewjoe/pseuds/thisnewjoe
Summary: This is a work for the mini Mass Effect Reverse Bang of January 2019.MaxRev made the following prompt available: An AU where Kaidan Alenko is a park ranger, John Shepard is a hiker who is lost and goes to Kaidan for help.I hope I did your idea justice, MaxRev!





	1. The Lost Hiker

****

**Shepard**

John Shepard has been enjoying the early summer breeze while roaming the wilderness of western Wyoming. It has been weeks without encountering much more than a couple hikers passing by, and several critters out doing their own things between the trees and jagged terrain. It's a lot like home, but far quieter without all the people. The hills stand tall with tightly-packed evergreens and valleys that lay blanketed with the stippled colors of yarrow and geranium, the yellows and blues and reds casting bright halos around ponds and streams nestled between rocky giants.

He's been enjoying periodic glances up to the fluffy clouds drifting overhead. The upper-level winds look stronger today, though the air at ground level is pushing lazily across the the land. This path looks like it's been run by deer and rabbits for generations, and he's been checking to see how far it curls around the edge of this rocky hillside. It must be cute seeing them dart through here in the mornings. He sees them often on his hikes, and never up very close. A couple hundred feet ahead of him there may be a good place to climb down the slope and get down to the base, and to that quiet pool a short distance from there. He's been looking at the clouds too long, and as he looks back at the trail he catches a shift in the horizon. Far too late he realizes that the trail is slumping and slipping, with him hijacked by the landslide.

He curls himself to protect his limbs, head, and the softer parts of his torso. Following the a few thunderous, frantic seconds, he lays sprawled atop the crumpled heap. There is a lingering roll inside his head as dizziness rushes over him, rushed by adrenaline and surprise. A few last rocks bludgeon his arms, legs, and back on their way to their next resting state.

Within a minute, the shock and adrenaline fade and the pain hooks his attention. His lungs and leg both hurt, causing him to take ragged breaths. He's sore everywhere, and certain he'll be more purple and blue from bruises within a day or two. There's only a few scrapes, and no bloody head wounds, so he's thankful that his rugged gear comes with the unexpected benefit of protection against minor earth movements.

His training in the services taught him how to complete a field-check for injuries, which he completes after crawling delicately across the landslide to the downhill side of a boulder that will shield him from any further impacts by the fist-sized rocks still racing over the jumbled pile. His fingers and limbs are generally good, save a definite sprain on his ankle. There's no reliable check for a hairline fracture out here, but it doesn't really feel broken, so he'll brace it before he moves again.

While checking his pack and pockets, he discovers that the map is gone and the GPS is busted. His cookware and dishes are mangled, but most of that can be bent back to an ugly, but usable shape. That'll wait for later. He checks the pack and sees how several other supplies had spilled through a split section of zipper, and he manages to extract the cracked first aid kit to pop some ibuprofen. That'll help reduce pain and swelling for the next couple hours, which will keep the injuries from getting worse as his system initiates recovery. He spots his sleeping bag several paces away, and begins grabbing things and stuffing them back into the pack. 

Cleanup will be slow and steady. There's no rush to get anywhere, so he leans on his training to keep him from rushing into mistakes. Ideally, he'll find everything else, including the map, and can get on his way.

 

**Alenko**

"Hey there, uhh, are you alright?" Kaidan announces, projecting both calm and concern for the man who looks pretty bruised-up. When the man looks his way, Kaidan steps forward and waves, and catches sight of the bruises on his hands, and the splints. "Rough hike?"

"It was, until the landslide." The man smiles back when Kaidan whistles in an impressed tone. That would definitely qualify as rough. "But I got better."

"You look a bit beat-up, still. When and where did that happen?"

The hiker looks around. The sky is dark, and the fire is blinding them to all but the brightest stars. He points off through the trees off to the right. "It might have been that way, maybe a couple miles, but I've been on the move since I made sure I could stand, and just kept walking. I don't think it was a Forest Service trail."

"Ahh, no problem. I mean, it wouldn't be a problem if it was, and I might need to go take a look and report to my supervisor about a trail problem if it was one of ours. It's not, so, no problem."

The hiker tilts his head at the ranger, a glint of amusement in his eye. He motions at the nearby log. "Would you like to take a seat, Ranger?" Kaidan wants to hear more of that silky voice, and takes the offered seat.

"Yeah, sure. I can warm-up for a few minutes before I trek back to my tower. You can call me Kaidan, though. I don't care much for the formality of National Forest Ranger Kaidan Alenko. It's such a mouthful, anyway." Since when? Kaidan can't remember a time when he's told anyone to call him by anything other than Ranger Alenko. Kaidan silently chided himself about taking too much interest on park visitors.

"I'll do that, Kaidan. I'm Shepard." The man stands and shakes Kaidan's hand. For a moment, both are quiet as they slide their palms together and curl their fingers around each other's hand. Kaidan's fingers are long, with knobby joints and smooth skin stretched over well-worked muscles. He feels the way Shepard's calloused fingertips rub the edge of his palm, and the callous across the palm that settles in Kaidan's slightly larger breadth. The hiker has lean muscles in his hands, too. There's strength, but used with care. Nobody is trying to crush anyone's hand here, just a good, solid handshake.

It makes Kaidan feel a little too warm, and he looks back at the fire. If Shepard is affected by the handshake, Kaidan can't tell. The man's face is expressive, but controlled. It's got a darkness born from sadness, and pain, without a hint of malice.

Kaidan could very much get to like this man, and decides it's probably better to get up and go, and maybe skip coming back tomorrow.

"I don't really know what you guys do out here. Can you tell me about it?" Shepard's interest is, again, genuine. Kaidan can't deny him the chance to get an answer, and so he takes a moment to consider.

Ranger work is mostly solitary, and the specific tasks are defined generally in the role, and mostly by the specific circumstances of the area the ranger is working. Living out here alone for a while, away from face-to-face human contact, can get a little weird. He finally got over the quiet after a couple weeks, and sleeps a full night most of the time. Getting to talk with a real person can be a relief, even if it's a one-off conversation and they'll never meet again. Only a few hikers come into his range each couple of weeks or so, and he talks with very few of those who do walk through. His supervisor is available by radio, and she's a lot of fun to talk with, but it's not the same. 

On the other hand, Kaidan's been digging this guy's voice and, catching glimpses of a well-toned musculature hiding behind the loose hiking gear, beard scruff, and all the bruises from the fall. Kaidan would guess it's been a few days since the slide, since some bruises look to be healing already. Hikers tend to have good legs and lungs, but this man is used to working out his whole body and Kaidan knows he's going to be thinking about that when he's alone later.

It's that last thought that reminds him he's being rude by not actually answering Shepard's question.

"I've only been a ranger for a couple years, and I'm covering this section of the forest as as kind of break from my regular duties. I'm usually working as a field instructor for Army recruits. I switch to that after active duty due to a bad shrapnel injury made it impossible to pass the routine physical. Eventually, I decided I wanted to try something outside of the armed forces, and came across a recruitment poster for the National Park Service. The ranger job interested me because it was independent, keeps me physically active, and I get to feel real satisfaction at helping preserve our natural resources and making it easier for people and wildlife to coexist out here."

While Kaidan has been talking, Shepard has been noticing the way Kaidan's eyes shine like fire through a glass of whisky. He tries not to be too obvious about checking out Kaidan's perfectly midnight-dark hair, and the heroic cheekbones, or the way he keeps rubbing the back of his thumb across his eyebrow ridge. The large jaw that frames that gentle smile, and just everything about Kaidan's gravelly voice and broad, very muscled torso, sturdy thighs, and unabashed awkwardness… it's adorable. John just can't think of Ranger Kaidan Alenko as anything but adorable. A kind-hearted, loyal, dedicated man. And Shepard is 95% certain Kaidan is a big dork, too. He adds bonus points for the absolutely adorkable factor. Damn.

Kaidan glances at Shepard and cocks his head. He pinches his lips in a wry smile, and continues. "Sorry, you asked what I do. A forest ranger does everything from clearing trails, looking for lost hikers or people who are being kinda crazy out here. I also look for signs of bears or wolves, and we watch for forest fires, of course. It's very early in the season and it's been a very wet spring, so we don't really have anything to worry about right now." Kaidan gestured to the hiker's ankle. "All that rain probably had a lot to do with loosening up the soil for your landslide."

Shepard smiles. "Well, you found yourself a lost hiker, so mark that off your list." Shepard watches the comment sink in, and laughs with this handsome ranger, who seems wholly unaware of the sudden flush across his cheeks. "I wasn't really trying to get anywhere, but my map and my GPS didn't fare well in the slide. I am not trying to get anywhere, at the moment." The hiker seems to catch Kaidan's eye before looking back to the fire. He grabs a stick and pokes into the campfire. "I might just hang around this area for a while, where there is such a handy ranger nearby." Kaidan blushes at the praise.

It's hard for Kaidan to know if Shepard is flirting, or if he's just genuinely friendly. It's always tough to know if it's being hit-on, or just chatting, or whatever. Kaidan thinks he's pretty good at picking up the clues, but he feels like he gets it wrong as often as he gets it right. And Shepard is, basically, a customer, so flirting is not so appropriate. 

He also thinks Shepard notices he's been blushing, since he can feel the stinging heat of embarrassment as a billboard across his face. Kaidan adds "subtle" to his growing list of traits he is picking-up about the other man.  

Shepard has been catching the blushing, and loves how Kaidan's eartips get a shade darker at certain moments in the light of the campfire. It's certainly a blush. He suspects this handsome ranger might be interested, but he wants to be circumspect in his interest until he gets a better sen of this man. And he hopes there are plenty of opportunities to do so.

Kaidan rises and seems to consider his words for a minute. "Yeah, I try to leave people alone, for the most part, so you may not see me much. But if you need something," he points back through the trees, "my tower is over there. If I'm not there when you come by, I will usually be back pretty quickly, unless I'm clearing a trail." His mouth says, entirely of its own accord, "I might come back and check on you to see if your leg is still healing like it should." Dammit. Should not have done that. Time to turn and walk away and try not to look too ashamed.

Shepard smiles. "Sounds good." And Kaidan can't help the grin. It lightens his steps as he walks out of the campfire light.

 

**Tomorrow**

It's midmorning, and Shepard has already stretched, snacked, and was in the middle of reading when he heard footsteps through the trees.

"Kaidan Alenko, Special Tactics and Armed Reconnaissance. STAR for short. You, sir, look like you'd be an excellent candidate."

Shepard doesn't miss a beat. "Wait. Me? A STAR? I've dreamed about this since I was seven. Let's hear all the details!"

After a good laugh, Shepard welcomes Kaidan to the new day, and asks him about his gear.

Kaidan points to each pocket on his bandolier, indicating the various sprays (including bear repellent), the whistle, compass, forest service radio, dried apple snacks he'd stuffed into a pouch, keys for the tower and some lock boxes, multitool, hammer and pocket saw, and a few other items. Shepard had guessed at most of them, and noticed that Kaidan had arranged them in a way he knows is trained into recruits learning fieldwork in the Army. Shepard is familiar with the kind of radio the ranger uses, since it was part of his equipment for a special operations assignment he once did in a rural forest in eastern Europe.

Shepard pulls out of his pack his own multitool, a second book, and a couple miscellaneous items, but notices Kaidan's interest in the books.

"You got a library out here, Kaidan?"

"No, and for as much as I've tried to stay active, I've already read the few books we've got over these last couple months. I would love some new material."

"Well, wanna trade? You can borrow this one and bring one back on your next visit in trade."

"I think I'd like that very much!"

Shepard smiles inwardly as Kaidan takes the offered book and hikes out of the camp. Not so much as a goodbye, but he recognized desperate hunger for entertainment. It's a feeling everyone out on their own runs into after long enough, so he counts it as a sign that Kaidan's really not one who is great about hiding what he thinks and feels, and Shepard finds that endearing.

When in a Spec Ops unit, you do not have time, energy, or ability to talk about off-topic things. Even in seeming downtime, it's often critical to maintain readiness, and that requires alertness. A mission can fail if an unexpected threat or opportunity are missed. 

 

**Midweek**

Kaidan waves at Shepard across the field. Shepard has been trying to go on longer walks to test the strength of his ankle. He'd actually like to help Kaidan, and not just because being near him always seems to feel good, but because he can tell there's a lot to do out here, and Kaidan could use another capable set of hands.

The ranger comes up to him with faux surprise. "Mike Hazer? Hazer the Laser? Almost didn't recognize you." Then he looks like he's just remembered a very annoying thing, and adds, "You owe me money."

Shepard, who has found himself looking forward to more of these awkward and adventurous greetings, plays along, as usual. 

"I'm sorry. You have me mistaken." He reaches into the bag in his pocket. "Will a marshmallow work?"

Kaidan was not expecting that, and the blast of a guffaw and several seconds of giggling that followed showed Shepard just how much these little moments have made a difference in Kaidan's happiness. When they first met, Kaidan seemed tentative and almost apologetic for intruding. Now, Kaidan just strolls-up like they've known each other for a long time.

The hiker tries very hard not to keep fantasizing about Kaidan wearing that tank top he wore yesterday, since it showed-off every muscle that deserves a whole lot of worshiping by Shepard's own hungry tongue. But he doesn't want to make the first move. Shepard wonders if Kaidan is the skittish type, ready to turn away even if he kinda wants the thing he's running from. It's still hard to tell, but he's trying to figure it out.

Today, Shepard tells Kaidan about his friend Garrus. John doesn't tell Kaidan that it's Garrus is a codename, since he is still on active duty and protecting Danny Archangel's real name is a sworn oath. Besides, they're practically brothers and Garrus sounds like a pretty normal name and not a cover.

Kaidan listens casually to what Shepard says as he's talking about Garrus, until he realizes that Shepard is talking about the person who is most close to him in the world. They haven't talked about any deep stuff to this point, and Kaidan finds he kind of treasures that Shepard is willing to talk with him about this. But then again, maybe Shepard doesn't know he's sharing this. Should Kaidan say something special?

He worries himself about what to say when the story is done, and ends up saying something or other that Shepard smiles at, then laughs at, and he feels like he's made it through some sort of test. If he'd just asked Shepard, he'd have found that John actually didn't mean to say to much, but is finding it harder to want to keep his feelings about things from Kaidan.

Hours afterward, when Kaidan has gone to pick up supplies from the forest service bins set at strategic points not too far from area access roads or short hikes from access roads, he realizes that John would have said all that only if he really meant it. Shepard is too controlled, and even though it took him a couple days to tell Kaidan his first name is John, it still seems like the walls of uncertainty are fading between them.

Kaidan decides to try something new the next time he visits.

  

**The Weekend**

Kaidan has been trying to get these campers to pick up their beer cans for the last five minutes. They're not that sober, so it's not a productive conversation, but Kaidan would prefer not to have to do it himself later. He's hoping to convince them to take responsibility for it all when they're done partying, and tells them a few places they can drop it off so they can be recycled.

Shepard happens upon the conversation while he's hiking. He comes around a corner and catches Kaidan's voice as he tries convincing the trio to clean up when they're done, since they've made a mess of the area. Kaidan is facing him, looking half exasperated, and half resigned. The trio are all standing together, facing Kaidan. A woman has her top off, and the two guys are arm-in-arm, bare-assed. One of them has a tank-top on, and he keeps gently poking into round rump of the woman with his index finger. It's a familiar, almost bored sort of motion.

He decides it's best to take a slightly wider path around the situation and loop back to the trail Kaidan's going to be walking back along on his way to the watchtower.

The ranger comes around the corner, looking annoyed. With one look at Shepard's face, he starts laughing.

"Well, that seemed rough," Shepard says, patting the ranger on the shoulder twice and then walking in-stride along the trail with him. 

"Could have been worse. Nobody died."

Shep is quiet for a moment, then offers, "I could shoot a couple someones if it would make you feel better."

Kaidan, having already figured out that Shepard's been in some pretty secretive military stuff in the past, correctly interprets the comment as a joke. "Nah, I'm good." Wait. "Did you bring a gun out here?"

"Actually, I did not. Though you said there is a bear, and that seems like a thing a gun could be handy for."

"Oh, yeah, it was seen up the valley a way. It's moving around our area, not through it. That's also something that could have been worse."

"Yes, letting a few naked drunk campers become bear-chow seems bad."

"Agreed. So let's talk about something else."

"Alright, tell me a story."

Kaidan's been thinking of telling Shepard about this for a week now, and decides to give a slightly edited version now, which he can fill-in later.

For the next several minutes, Kaidan tells of a the story of helping save a kid from drowning. After saving him, the parents tried to sue him for injuries their son sustained during the rescue. Naturally, Kaidan was protected by Good Samaritan laws, but that doesn't always win the day when the parents are savvy enough to run a smear campaign on social media. It ended up causing a whole bunch of trouble at the base and that's part of the reason Kaidan wanted to get some time away from there.

John is patiently asking questions about details, about how Kaidan felt, about other repercussions, who supported him, and so on. It is so nice to share that story with someone who understands how things go in the military, and isn't going to hold any of the things against him. 

It was a messy situation, but Shepard's way of talking with him seemed more like just being heard, perhaps for the first time.

What catches Kaidan by surprise is halfway confessing that what he'd really like is love. Shepard read between the lines, and then withheld any comment about how ironic it is to come out to the wilderness to find love. A quick glance his way confirmed they both figured that out, and neither was going to say anything about it.

Instead, Shepard mad an offer. "Can I help with some of the trail clearing? I can start tomorrow. My ankles doing well and I need more exercise."

Kaidan politely declines the offer, then immediately recants, then says he's sorry for being so confusing. Shepard just laughs and tells him not to worry about it, and that it's time Shepard got back to the hard work.

In a tone so much more bold than he intended, Kaidan quips with, "There's gotta be more fun ways to get sweaty." 

This time, Kaidan's blushing is followed by John's wide-open eyes, and he leans into a tree to laugh.

"Ranger Alenko, I didn't know you had it in you."

"Eh, it's not the first time."

Shepard slipped off the tree that time, and Kaidan offered a hand to help him up. They hiked for a while, chatting, and bumping shoulders every several steps. Something warm and wonderful had shifted between them.

 

 **The Next Day**  

Shepard's been out of any serious romantic or sexual relationship for a very long time. He's got no concerns about sexual inexperience, but he feels like he doesn't quite get how normal people be with each other, how he's supposed to act. He finds after the shoulder-knocking hike that he has too much nervous energy. He's got to let it out somehow, and decides to head to the nearest town to resupply.

After breakfast, of course. he flips the freshly-caught fish in the pan, trying to cook it evenly without too much charring. He's had the hardest time getting fish to cook right out here. It's either halfway raw, like sashimi, or dry and crispy, like so much bad fish jerky.

"Sir!" Kaidan says in a stern tone as he walks up to Shepard's campfire with a book in hand. "I'm with the wildlife anti-cruelty association, and I cannot believe what I'm seeing right here!" He adds an aggressive shake of the book at the fish.

"Pipe down. We're well regulated here, and I've got my license. Do you need to talk to my supervisor?"

"Well, I suppose we can look past it this time. And I'm not telling my supervisor anything about this."

"Oh, thank god. I've been in trouble with the law much too often."

"I would believe you, Mister Shepard." Kaidan says, winking. They both talk around Shepard's black ops stuff, and never quite talk to it directly. Aside from the obvious legal and loyalty commitments, there's also the fact that Shepard seems to not mind joking about things abstractly, but specifically wants to avoid anything to do with real ops. Had he shown any reticence to joke about it at all, Kaidan would have stopped.

Shepard appreciates that Kaidan doesn't probe, and doesn't hide from him. Well, the blushing is hiding, but that's still adorable, and Kaidan's too nice to look at to turn away.

Kaidan offers some tips to help with the fish, and it's halfway decent by the time it's ready to eat. They talk about ranger work, and how satisfied Kaidan is with the job, even if he's so far from other people.

"I'm doing good work and I'm where I need to be. That's not something everyone can say about their choices. I couldn't say that honestly, not for a long time. But things are different now. I've got Edie, who is a great supervisor, and I get to meet people like you." 

He says it like it's a reveal of something important, but Shepard doesn't know what, and lets it go for now because it's also stated like a sentence. There will be no more discussion about this important topic today, and John is happy to honor that request.

In fact, it reminds him of his other plans.

"I think I need to go get some more supplies. Is there anything I can get you in town? It's the least I can do for your help with the leg, the warning about the bear," he holds a bit of food up on his fork, "and you fixed my fish pretty good. Best fillet I've had since I tried cooking out here."

John does not expect the withdrawal that suddenly shades Kaidan's expression. The ranger is quiet for a moment. "Yeah, I'd like you to get a few things, if you could. I've got cash at the tower I can bring you."

"If I took cash, then it wouldn't be a gift, Kaidan. I'm really happy to do this."

When John leaves for town the next morning, Kaidan can't help but feel like he's losing something. He knows in his head that John is coming back, but his heart tells him that something is wrong. Shepard had something else going on the day before and he seemed… Upset, almost. He wasn't cool and in-charge like usual. Every joke was a little off. Each quiet moment seemed filled with static.

He fears something else will happen to John and he won't get to see his lost hiker again, but he hopes he's wrong.


	2. Dreamers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John returns, and our guys deal with an assortment of wildlife and relationship issues as they try to find their way to a very happy ending.
> 
> BTW: I intentionally changed EDI's name to Edie to aid in realism.

**Shopping List**

  
Kaidan opens the outhouse door and finds Shepard standing at the bottom of the stairs to the watchtower. John's facing away, reading a book, and he's got some duffel bags at his feet.

It's been a week and a half since Kaidan's seen him. He's given up, really, after not seeing him on the fourth day. It takes two days to hike-out to the nearest parking lot, and John was supposed to take Kaidan's car, which was parked and covered at that lot. John should have been back four days ago, but here he is, looking relaxed, but tired. He steals a nice, long look at Shepard's round shoulders, and perfectly-shaped torso as it's revealed in the wind that whips the shirt around John's body. His ass is dirty from sitting on logs and rocks, and he looks so perfect to Kaidan, he catches a tear in his eye.

He coughs on his welcome. "He—" a cough. "Hey Shepard. Welcome back." He wasn't sure if he should use John's first name. There's something about Shepard and his name, it seems like taking the less intimate name first is the least risky. In his worry, the greeting also came out quieter and less enthusiastic than he intended.

"Heya, K! I'm sorry it took so long. I forgot to get the key from you and by the time I realized it, I was at your car door, and I just walked out to the highway. Stayed in town for a couple days to enjoy some modern conveniences."

"Yeah? That sounds good." Kaidan feels like an idiot. Shepard did his best and Kaidan should have trusted him.

"Yup! I talked with Garrus and my parents. I told them about you. They all say that you seem like a really nice guy and they'd be happy to meet you sometime." Kaidan isn't sure what this means. It's kinda like meeting the family. Well, as close as it gets for people who live out where no cell signal will ever touch, and who have very little human contact. So it feels huge, but, also pretty normal. It's disorienting trying to situate himself inside Shepard's life.

Which may be part of the problem. Kaidan's got his own life here. In several months, he's leaving this post and isn't sure that he'll return. He has no idea when Shepard's going to decide to walk out of here and never return.

People are hard sometimes. What the hell… being out here is supposed to get him away from all this stuff.

Kaidan's been walking and thinking, stuck in his own head. Shepard had said something, but before he'd left, he started figuring out when Kaidan had some thoughts burning and was learning to let him work through it all before trying to catch his attention again.

"I'm sorry, Shep. I didn't mean to zone-out there. I heard you talk about Garrus and your family. Is everyone well?"

"Yeah, they always are. Well, sometimes Garrus ends up in the hospital. He got a gnarly scar across half his face and across his neck and shoulder from taking a rocket to the head, but that's obviously a much better outcome than if it had killed him."

Kaidan and Shepard have a very different relationship to life. It's compatible, sometimes, and at times like this, Kaidan isn't sure what to think about that. "It might be nice to see them all someday. Are any of them coming out here?"

"Oh, god no. None of them have time right now. And they said something about not wanting to interrupt what was obviously a good time, so, they're staying away."

No matter how casual John tries to say something like that, Kaidan would have picked-up the grin every time. And he couldn't help the smile that grew across his face this time. "I'm glad you're having a good time."

"Yeah, but we gotta get some of this upstairs in your fridge. The ice is definitely not going to last much longer and it's hot out here."

Kaidan and Shepard slug the supplies up the long staircase, with its 90-degree turns at it approaches the entry. It was a cheap structure, built to go up fast and see far, but though it lacked in insulation, it made-up in fantastic windows for seeing all around the wilderness, and had very sturdy stairs that gave barely a squeak as they made their way.

 

**Alert**

Kaidan is running his direction, looking frantic.

"Shepard!" he stage-whispered. "Edie says they tagged the bear and the tag is nearby. Somewhere within a half-mile. You gotta come with me now. Grab your stuff and let's go." He says and snatches the few loose things around Shepard's campsite and stuffs them inside. He glances at the bedroll and sleeping bag, then at Shepard.

Kaidan has a thing about touching other people's beds; He doesn't want to cross any lines, and even sleeping bag beds feel too intimate, at least for them.

John knows Kaidan has been working in a different section of the park that day, clearing a trail that connects a lake with a beautiful hike to a vista point that looks over most of the valley. Kaidan has his radio with him, like always, so Edie, his supervisor must have alerted him as soon as she'd gotten word. Kaidan knew yesterday that John was settling a new campsite. That put him farther away from Kaidan's worksite today.

Kaidan must have hauled serious ass getting to him, crossing over hill and winding trails and treelines. There was more than a mile between them, with the bear somewhere in that mix.

He recognized the terrifying reality of the situation immediately, but held for a moment to take stock of the situation.

Was the bear nearby? A quick look confirmed it wasn't in sight, but he also knew some bears could run at 30 miles or more per hour, so line-of-sight wasn't a good measure of safety on this terrain.

What is Kaidan's cognitive state? He came in frantic. Is he too frantic to act? No, this is acting with urgency and purpose, and his military training is showing in his calm under extreme pressure. He's acting thoughtfully, and with intentionality.

Good. This situation is about as good as it can be for two guys out trying to avoid getting eaten.

"What's the plan?" John does the fastest roll-up of his sleeping bag ever, and starts to tear the tent apart. Kaidan pulled the pack on his back, sparing no time for swapping anything with Shepard until they were on the move.

"Come to the tower. The bear won't be a problem since it can't climb it. If we're lucky, it won't even notice that we're up there."

"Got it. We should al—" Shepard silenced himself and noticed in the periphery that Kaidan had also frozen at the clash of cracking branches a couple hundred yards away, within the dark spaces between the trees. An ancient and powerful part of his brain knew that sound was big, and way too close.

Shepard grabbed the book and sleeping bag and they ran toward the nearest cliff. When a roar happened in the trees, neither of them spared a moment to look back and see if they'd been spotted. They assumed they were prey, and focusing on escape was likely the safest thing to do.

As they approached the rocks, and the path that wound up to the tower, Shepard grabbed at Kaidan's shirtsleeve and tugged him left.

"Wrong way!" Kaidan hissed, and followed Shepard anyway.

"New plan!" Shepard replied at volume. The bear was making more rumblings now, He spared a glance and saw it loping across the clearing. John had seen bears running at full speed, and this one sure wasn't. He guessed it had eaten recently enough to be hungry, but not hangry, and so was being lazy. That difference might just save their lives if Shepard's plan worked.

Some fifty walking paces to the left was a rock slide. An old climbing rope dangled down the slide, with a couple feet of it coiled on the ground. John ordered him to drop the bag and climb. Kaidan jumped, grabbed, and scaled as fast as a well-trained soldier could do on ground that constantly shifted, dangling by just one old rope that shook-out a halo of dust with every movement Kaidan's hands made. It could snap at any moment. John would, if needed, try to keep the bear's attention while Kaidan got to safety. Even if it meant that would be the last thing he could ever do for his friend.

Kaidan rolled himself over the top as soon as John had finished tying the end of the rope to his pack. John scaled the rope as fast as he could, trying to secure footing against the sliding rocks, and knowing he was overworking his poor ankle. The several-days hike for supplies had aggravated it, and he didn't yet tell Kaidan he'd gone for X-Rays to confirm it wasn't actually broken.

Kaidan reaches for John and hauls him over the top with one hand while keeping his other hand secured to the rock around which the climbing rope was tied. Kaidan starts to pull the bag up when a roaring mountain of fur swipes at it and rips shreds through it. John had turned to grab Kaidan's wrist with both his hand, trying to keep the heavier man from dropping down across the grating rock face and into the undiscriminating maw of the bear.

Kaidan's foot slipped over the edge, but John held tight. The pack was gone, the bear was trying to get John's snacks, and they needed to see if they could hide up here for a while without the bear getting up to them.

John gave quick orders to search the perimeter and look for anywhere the bear might climb. They met at the opposite side of the hilltop, confirmed their findings and then quietly approached the rock where the climbing rope was attached. Neither of them heard the quiet tinkle of tiny metal wind chimes hanging in a nearby tree.

Kaidan watched John's face. He was angry, then annoyed, then he just went blank. With a sigh, he sat just far enough from the edge to be out of sight, but within an easy lean to see if the bear was still below. Kaidan sat next to him.

John wipes his forehead with his forearm and then pulls his shirt up to wipe the moisture from around his jaw.  "There's gotta be more fun ways to get sweaty."

Kaidan nudges him. "Hey! That's my line!"

John leans into Kaidan. "I think you've got the right idea. Not now, not while that things near, but we should maybe… think about that."

Kaidan tilts his head onto John's. "I'd be happy to work-up a good sweat with you, John."

 

**Cloak and Dagger**

Some weeks later, after Edie reports the bear is well outside their zone, Shepard enters the tower and sets a can down to hold the door open. He walks around the watchtower and opens each window to let the meager currents of the stale atmosphere try to temper the heat of the oppressive mid-afternoon summer sun. 

A click and hiss sounds just before a "Hey Shep!" comes over the radio.

He steps to the radio charging stand and picks it up. "Yo, Edie. Good afternoon!"

"Kaidan's out of hearing range, right?"

Edie likes planning pranks now and then, and it's been a while since they've cooked something up. "Are we conspiring today?" Shepard's sense of mischief is primed for action.

"Yes, and in the best way. Switch to our secret channel and I'll tell you what's up."

Shepard rolls his eyes. There's no channel they can listen to that Kaidan doesn't have access to with his own radio. He knows Kaidan and she have their own secret channel. He figured it out the first day while catching Kaidan having a conversation as John had been looking through binoculars to find him, and he hasn't told either of them that he knows. It's good to know in case of emergency, he tells himself. He selects the other station anyway. Kaidan has probably already discovered which channel they're using, he could follow-along, but he doesn't know how to decode the message.

Edie had developed some crazy code where she gives a series of three numbers, and John has to pull out a certain book that happens to be in both Edie and John's collections, and go to the page, line, and word indicated by the number set. Sometimes, the keyword is enough to know what she's trying to say. Sometimes she talks in circles around it and he has to guess what the hell she means. She's usually pretty good, but she's stumped him in the past by being way too clever. 

Today, she gives him three sets of three numbers. John double-checks each set, and suggests this must be particularly crazy if she's giving so many clues today. She gigglesnorts before switching back to the standard frequency. He takes a moment to confirm Kaidan isn't nearby, then grabs the book and starts flipping pages.

"Wait. Are you serious?"

"Yes! It'll be in the supply cache tomorrow. I'll give you the code when you're there tomorrow afternoon, so Kaidan can't cheat."

"I don't plan to cheat! I don't mind surprises, so long as they're good." Kaidan complains.

"You'll like this, Kaidan. I'll be sure you do."

"Wow, that sounds kinda ominous. Whatever you're cooking up sounds like trouble for me."

John and Edie both cackle madly.

Little more than 24 hours later, John has retrieved a small, sealed cooler from a Forest Service supply cache box. Edie had craftily set the lock code to 411, which stands for his birthdate, April 11th, and also a common code for the general information line in various counties around the country. She seems to know something about everything, so it's also a play on their relationship with her. Very quickly they learned to stop trying to play trivia games with her.

As he nears the tower, he asks Kaidan to take a walk for a while so he can get some things ready. Kaidan is game, and heads out for some wandering. John scales the tower staircase as soon as Kaidan's out of view. 

When Kaidan returns, he sees Shepard cooking small steaks and frying some bacon on the little two-burner stove. It smells incredible, since neither of them have eaten anything but packaged food or foraged things for weeks, There wasn't much animal in anything, and none of it smelled this amazing.

As soon as he opened the door, Kaidan asks, "What are we having? Local delicacy of some sort?"

Shepard, a native to Wyoming, announces proudly, "We have beef, we have bacon, we have beer. The foods of my people."

"Surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this."

It had been rare that a surprise of this caliber would come in the supply caches, and this was a particularly good one. Edie probably used her own money to order it special and get it delivered with the routine supplies. They'll have to pay her back later.

For now, however, they're going to have an amazing dinner and then sit half-drunk and food-sated in each other's arms, wallowing in the relative culinary luxury of such a feast.

 

**Nevermind That**

John takes a break from working on repairing the storm damage and grabs his radio.

"Hey, Kaidan. Just checking in…"

"I’m glad. Say, you left without waking me."

"Didn’t have the heart."

"Aw, thanks. But next time… Wake me."

Shepard promised himself he'd consider it, but what Kaidan doesn't know, and what John likes, is to see Kaidan completely relaxed and handsome in the morning. Snoring so lightly. Even after a night of very sweaty sex, Kaidan still manages to have that amazing hair. It defies physics.

"Say, Kaidan, not that I necessarily want you to reveal trade secrets here, but— we just spent the night frolicking rabidly together in that very small bed, like we often do, frequently, because sex with you is awesome. But every day, you still have impossibly fancy hair. It looks amazing. Coiffed and everything. How do you do that, Kaidan?"

John listens to a long, amused yawn. "Must be the Canadian in me. All that rain and fresh, clean air. We're a beautiful people."

"I see." He swears he can almost hear Edie snickering in her watchtower. He wishes he were quick enough to get a one-liner in there about "putting some Wyoming in him, too," but he doesn't find the right way to say it before the moment passes. He spends the rest of the morning working on repairs and trying to think of how to have a better response next time it comes up.

 

**Shades**

"I can't Kaidan, I can't."

"Can't what, babe?"

John whimpers. Kaidan curls around him a little tighter and feels John's heart racing.

"What do you mean that it's not good for us?" A deep, stressed inhale. "None of this. We're old soldiers; we know the score." Another whimper, then John is shaking slightly.

Kaidan has been with John through several nightmares. Kaidan's got a few of his own that come around now and then, but John's got a lot going on. He already told John that he thought it would be good to talk to a counselor, and John revealed that he'd been keeping a journal, and though some of the pages got lost in the bear attack, he's still keeping the journal and sending it out with the Ranger Mail every few weeks. Kaidan had never seen John writing anything more than a note or two.

But this isn't like a regular nightmare. This is something Kaidan knows. That phrase, that comment about being old soldiers who know the score? That's been used on him before and it broke his heart for a decade.

In his unit, when soldiers couldn't afford to get too close because duty or death may separate them at any moment, they would say it, and generally people went into a relationship agreeing to that, whatever it meant for them. "We're old soldiers; we know the score." It wasn't a phrase that he and Rahna had talked about. They'd talked about love and even marriage. They were going to wait for a while, but they could change their minds about that if one gets assigned somewhere.

Of all the things Kaidan had finally forgotten he hated about his military experience, the most devastating experience was right here with him, where the woman he loved turned to him, cursed him with those words, and then walked out his door into the arms of a grizzled, angry old vet. He had hated himself for falling for her, and he resented that John even knew that phrase.

He taps Shepard, more of a slap than he really intended. He can't hear any more of this. He needs him awake.

Shepard grunts awake, looks around, then puts clothes on and heads out. Kaidan is sitting in bed for several minutes before he realizes he's soaking the pillow with a quiet rainfall of tears.

When morning comes, Kaidan notices Shepard's left his radio inside. Kaidan can't quickly find him, or offer comfort if need. He couldn't even ask Edie to talk to John since there was no way to know, for sure, where he was. 

Kaidan searched. He gave an entire day to moving around the area, checking the crevices between boulders and scouring the ravines. He looked everywhere his Search and Rescue training promised him was likely to reveal the hiding place of a desperate, lost person.

Kaidan didn't see him at all that day. Shepard didn't come back until well after midnight, and even then he settled in the chair across the room. There was no sleep. Kaidan watched him for a while as he tossed and turned. He could hear Shepard crying from exhaustion, and couldn't understand why he wasn't right there with him, ready to give whatever he needed to come back to normal. He couldn't understand why he felt nothing at all. He felt he had no more tears to shed.

Shepard is up early again the next day, having now at least three nights without a decent amount of sleep. Kaidan watches him from the balcony. He studies how the other man moves more furtively, less certain. He sees sweat being wiped from a brow, and sometimes, he thinks he sees wet cheeks being wiped. Shepard doesn't turn and look up once for the entire time Kaidan is out there.

Finally, Shepard is back before Sundown and is tidying and organizing things inside the tower. There's not much up there, but he's managed to go through just about everything and unpack it, then repack it. Some things he comes back to again and repeats the operation.

When Kaidan sets a bowl of hot food next to Shepard's seat at the desk, where he's been sorting nails into piles separated by size and type for a half hour, Shepard stops moving, takes a bite, and moves to the chair. He finishes the bowl. Kaidan tries not to pay him too much attention until he hears Shepard talk again.

"Have I ever told you about James?"

Kaidan marks his page and closes his book, and his eyes. He shakes his head.

"James is this— huge guy. Gotta be at least twice your mass," he says, gesturing widely. "He's got these tattoos all over the place, lots of energy, and fun to be around. He was always calling me Loco. This guy makes friends with everyone, everywhere. He gets along with all but the most awful people. He also desperately wanted to get into Special Ops. He would be with my crew, I knew, and he wanted me to help him prepare."

"Enthusiasm and skill is great, but he also had real experience. Some pretty rough things on ops gone sideways, not his fault, and I was left trying to decide if he and the program were a good fit for each other."

"At that level, training kills the searing heat of youthful arrogance and pride, and you get open to some new, raw experiences that prepare you for making some pretty crazy decisions. It has to, so, you know, the crew can get their missions done. The cost to complete the mission had to include giving up our lives."

If Kaidan could have said the right thing, he might have tried, but he felt lost. Shepard is putting something out here about his crew and his experience that is nothing like what he'd said before. Shepard spoke before he'd found his voice again.

"None of us are who we were when we started. There's a thousand subtle things that changed. Some of that stuff still comes up."

Shepard seemed like he was done talking. Kaidan fished for something to say. He settled on the most obvious question.

"What happened with James?"

Shepard looked at him, not quite like he just realized he was there, but like he just realized something about Kaidan.

Kaidan watched his face grow grim. "James was an amazing recruit. He was top of his class by far, and it had been a long time since any of us had seen someone excel like that. He was an inspiration, up until he got assigned a mission where a member of the team his squad was training turned on them and mowed them down with a machine gun. All of them."

Shepard's face looks blank when he says, "I had to tell his family. There were like thirty of them there that day. One of his nieces was having a special birthday event and I just— couldn't do it. I couldn't speak. And I hated myself for it. Another guy in the crew spoke with them, and we stayed for a long time talking about James and what he meant to us, and what a difference he made. We told them it was a training accident, and left out the worst parts. They didn't need to know that."

"But I know it, Kaidan. I'm sorry, I bring all this stuff with me. It's there, all the time, but this week I've just been… Awful to you. I don't mean to shut you out. I don't mean to shut anyone out. I came out here to get away from that, but it's always with me."

Shepard looks at the calendar. He sees the date marked when Kaidan is scheduled to leave. He doesn't want him to go, but he doesn't want the ranger to have to deal with this. It's not supposed to be his problem, and Shepard doesn't want to do that to him.

Kaidan pretends not to notice Shepard's glance to the calendar. Again, he finds himself saying things to Shepard he never meant to say.

"I never told you this, but about these migraines I get? They're due to a nasty shrapnel wound. There's still parts in my brain, messing things up. The doctor said there could be severe mental disabilities, insanity, crippling physical pain, all from this kind of injury… There's a long list of horrific side-effects from the surgeries and medicines, too. 'I'm lucky!' she said after we'd gone through several surgeries and I had passed more cognitive function assessments." Kaidan sighs. "They've removed so much brain matter with that scar tissue that I don't really feel like I'm anyone anymore. I am here, but I don't feel like I exist anymore. I'm not sure I'm really a person anymore."

Shepard looks him straight in the eye and slowly sets a hand on his. "You're real enough to me."

"That's nice of you to say, but I'm okay, you don't have to worry about me. Fully functional human being." He stands, slips his hand from under Shepard's, and stares at the calendar. Shepard watches him, sensing anger in the stance, and dread at the tone in Kaidan's voice. "Guess we're old soldiers, eh, Shepard? Brothers in arms. We know the score. We know this is goodbye."

"Kaidan…"

Kaidan spins, his face red with fury and defeat. "Don't 'Kaidan' me! Listen, there’s… Things I want to say. Looking back… I have a few regrets, but not many. That’s pretty damn amazing, right? Messed up, lost and lonesome like I was… I never would have dreamed of the life I’ve had with you this season. And I owe a lot of my own mental health to you, you know." They leave unsaid the deterioration in them both over the past week.  "But I can do this, I can make it on my own."

Shepard puts his face in his hands and his elbows on his knees, pressing his fingertips around his eyes. He is sore inside and out, but massaging his eye also seems to unlock something in his brain. He looks at Kaidan with a face so open and vulnerable even Kaidan's anger is arrested when he says, "Rejection hurts the strong as much as it hurts the weak. I’m glad you’re still here, Kaidan. And I'm glad I've gotten to be with you." He stands, looks at the space between them. "Could we take a walk? Get some fresh air? I think we could use a sanity check."

Kaidan's standing ready for a fight, but he softens into something more resigned. "I…," he starts, then rubs his thumb across his eyebrow and the back of his hand across his forehead to soothe the headache building there. "Yeah, I can do that."

 

**Bear Run Hill**

Shepard holds his hand out, and Kaidan hesitates briefly before reluctantly putting his hand out. Shepard holds him there, gently, letting his rough fingertips slide across the skin of Kaidan's own hand. Then he gives a light tug and starts down the path.

It's the last hour before sunrise and the deer are grazing in the meadows. Birds are excitedly waking everyone and everything up with their chatter, and the world seems full of… something big and amazing. The two men don't notice it.

He leads them down the path from the tower, around the hills and groves that mark the path toward where John had his campsite the day of the bear attack. He makes the same turn as before, bringing them to the foot of the same loose rock wall.

Shepard grabs the rope and holds it out for Kaidan to example. It's a replacement for the old rope, and looks far more reliable. Shepard takes a step toward the edge and asks Kaidan, "Follow me up?" John doesn't wait for a response. Kaidan smiles a bit at that.

When John rolls himself over the top, Kaidan grabs the rope and hauls himself up. Hand-over-hand, stepping carefully against the loose rock wall, and feeling the light of dawn touching him as he ascends.

John's hand greets him at the top to haul him up. Kaidan looks around and sees a bench assembled from spare lumber settled between two old evergreens. Somewhere in the lower branches of one of the trees is a tiny wind chime. Shepard is still holding Kaidan's hand and invites him with a tug to come to the bench.

"It might be too dark to see. Put your hand here." John says, as he presses Kaidan's hand to the wood. There is an inscription there, and Kaidan feels around it with his fingers.

"I'm having a hard time understanding it." John grabs his finger and traces the lines there, letter-by-letter.

"S-H-E-N-K-O." Kaidan says each letter aloud. "I don't know that word."

John shrugs with mock indifference. "I was hoping to make it a new word, once that would be pretty important. Let's sit for a moment."

They sit, and John puts his hands on his own knees for a moment while Kaidan settles. He looks to Kaidan for a sign that it's alright to hold his hand again. When he gets it, he smiles and looks out over the brightening landscape. the edge of the sun is starting to show against the hills to the east. "I'm grateful that you came with me to sit down for half a second and figure out things.  
Kaidan watches meteors go by. He'd forgotten that was happening this week.

John speaks first. "Beautiful view. You know what though?"

"Yeah?"

"I felt real good about our chances. It let me sleep better at night."

"You aren't sleeping that well, John."

John squeezes his hand. It's an apology as much as an admission. "Maybe a little restless. It's just: You plan a career, you focus, and suddenly it feels like the world's ending and it's too late to — find someone."

"Someone?"

"We've been friends for a while now, Kaidan. Ever heard me talk about being with anyone?"

"I figured you were choosy or patient or… I don't know. Maybe what you've never found — what you want — is something deeper with someone you already… care about."

"I haven't been with anyone since I enlisted, and before I met you. I don't just mean sex, I mean being with a person. After enough time, it seems like it's just never going to happen."

Kaidan considers that maybe he misunderstood something about all of this. He doesn't know when John built this, but it was recent. That new rope came in only last week, and it was there at least until the day Shepard walked out.

Something almost clicks for Kaidan. "And if it seems like it does, it also seems like maybe it's going to fall apart."

John nods. He squeezes Kaidan's hand, then sets his hand loosely. He's not holding anymore, just letting the contact be.

"I can see this ending a few different ways." He says, and it sounds like a business proposal. The side of Kaidan's mouth quirks up at John's military efficiency. "One: I disappear and never come back. Two: I come back next year, maybe, depending on if I got lost or injured or become bear food. And three, the one I actually want: I stay here and work things out." He takes a big, deep breath, rubs his hands together. It's a nervous gesture Kaidan rarely gets to see. "That's what I want. What do you want?

"I think I want that, too. You and me? Is that what you're saying, John?" Kaidan is playing for keeps. He was all along, and until last week he thought the same thing about John. 

John bumps Kaidan's shoulder and stays there. "It feels right, doesn't it?"

Kaidan's eyes are watering. "Be nice to have someone to turn to when things get grim." They both glance to the rock at the top of the climb and snicker at their synchronicity. "Someone to live for. Maybe love."

"Someone?"

"You, John. Huh. It does. It does feel right. I didn't think this…" He shakes his head. He missed something that night and they can work it out later, but he definitely misunderstood John's intentions. "You and me? I like that." And he found he could breathe again, deeply and satisfyingly.

John turns his face to Kaidan's shoulder, and half mumbles. "I thought you might be here for only this season, but I don't want to go anywhere that doesn't have you in it."

"And that… makes me so happy." Kaidan rests his head on John's. They're touching again, from knee to hip to shoulder, and resting their heads against each other.

Kaidan catches a ray of sunlight glinting in John's iris. He feels the muscles in his face relaxing, and the headache — probably migraine — that had been looming retreating back far from his awareness. 

After a few minutes, Kaidan adds in a deeper tone, "And there are some great benefits to that happiness."

John squeezes their hands together and drops his voice almost comically low. "Really?"

The ranger pulls his hand back and loops his arm over the lost hiker's shoulders. John reaches behind him and puts a hand on Kaidan's waist. Kaidan kisses Shepard's head. "Yes. Really." Shepard gives a pleasant hum. 

Kaidan looks around for a minute longer, out across the purple mountains and dark blue sky. He listens to the clatter of birds and lets himself feel the morning breeze wrap around them.

"What did you call this? 'Sanity Check?'" he asks.

John nods. "Sanity Check."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I welcome feedback about what you loved, what got in the way, what you want to know about, and other stuff like that.

**Author's Note:**

> I welcome feedback about what you loved, what got in the way, what you want to know about, and other stuff like that.


End file.
